I talked to Adam...not the doctor adam but Hallet. We had a massive argument or...im not sure what it was, but im working on moving on now since he doesn't want me. He tells me we could be great together, he feels it too but he is stuck in a rut and isnt ready to leave it right now. I should get that, instead of leaving it im cheating. How lovely is that eh? Adam is too honest to do that, but im not ready to leave my rut either, im just creating new lifestyles and keeping the rut. It isnt fair to anyone involved because i cant fully commit to any one at this point. Graham is also commitment shy so i guess it works.
Adam really killed me though, i thought for sure...but even then could i fully commit? im not even sure at this point all i know is he made my knees weak, my heart feel like it stopped, i couldnt breathe, and all those horrible cliche things that dont actually exist.
As to the doctor...adam...chandra is dating his brother Piotr they are a polish family, Kulaga is his last name, and he is fun...horrible in bed but really sweet too. He set up this date for us, in the U of A health and science building after hours, this wonderful picnic that he cooked and we played pool after haha it was fun and silly and thoughtful...THATS THE WORD! or it fits now, graham is thoughtful, but no thats not quite the word either haha
im looking for one that describes paying attention to detail etc...like he always brushes the hair from my eyes to see them better, hell ryan used to that too...
Thats another thing, ryan and i...so much better friends...Dixon (chad...aka captain america) he said ryan wanted me back, i straight out asked him and he doesnt...or a part of him does. Of course a part of me misses him and vice versa but we both know this was for the best, on the looks level ryan just never appealed to me...Graham does to an extent but i keep thinking about Adam at this point, it is so damn frustrating
and then of course there is brandon..but im thinking that is just an attraction factor and we are sooo much better off as friends haha, im 99% sure of it.
Jarel and i are friends again, we have been talking since i got back, although he is living in van now...and i thought something may happen with Evan and i, Gilbert that is...im making sure not to keep last names together just in case someone googles it, it doesnt lead them to this page because this entry would end up ruining SOOO much but im putting last names in so i remember them, although the chance of me forgetting them is pretty slim.
other then that school is doing alright, craig and i havent really talked in weeks...which is telling me we are going back to how we were last year, the distance makes us drift apart and im wondering if thats a sign of our inability to really truly be together. A part of me wants him to want to break it off now, that way i dont feel guilty and when he tries to come back to me, well i can say you have to wait and then get back when it suits me. I know that sounds horrible but thats the way it is. I started a new job working at OCR (oil city roadhouse) I am doing really well right now and quite content, thats how i met Mr. Ward, he works there as one of the doormen, he is short i forgot to mention that and i call him Kid since he is younger and i am a Cougar haha
i have to see a counselor this week also to discuss applying for UVic i should go in today to see about that and see how it goes. I am going to go read now, oh by the way i started working with charcoal i like it but i dont because i cant really shade with it...ill have to learn some new techniques to make it work
anyway im off for now.