so lets start with my mom
she told me the other night not to gain weight...so no eating junkfoods and such so my dress will fit better
ok that and based on the fact my entire life she's made comments about my weight, im 5'6 and 125lbs last time i checked and most of it was muscle SO WTF?!
and i just got tired of it and i flipped on her and she said i blew it off of proportion that i was being stupid
so im like ok im fat and stupid now thanks
so tonight i ALREADY ate dinner...and she orders two large pizzas and gets mad at me because i wont eat and i told her she wanted me on a stupid diet so wtf...then she said she never called me fat thats just what i wanted to hear
yes i wanted to hear i was fat...thats my dream come true...whatever fuck off
then boys
oh boys
jesse
his name is jesse and i care about him...so much
but his best friend matt likes me
they are both in grade 11
they are both amazing guys...but matt isnt that cute, thats my opinion but i am interested in him...but i really care for jesse
so today jesse and i go to lunch and im thinking ok im going to tell him and just as im about too...his new GIRLFRIEND (wtf) comes up and they kiss hello...talk about ouch X 1048923758957....it hurt A LOT...but whatever
maybe secretly i was thinking he liked me i dont know but i didnt tell him because it wasnt right...it just didnt feel right
then we talked about how i used to like him and hes like mmm its not that i wouldnt like you but i can either see you as
a) someone i will be great friends with for a long time
or b) someone i will marry
but i value your friendship
so now that its all ok...said and done...it hurts sure but ill get over it...i didnt plan on using matt but he might be hurt along the way and maybe thats cruel of me but its what im willing to do...i dont have much of a heart and what i do have is really bruised right now
(stupid jesse)
so now im confused...graduating at least...but it hurts i wont lie, im used to protecting my heart and i didnt know it could hurt this much...or maybe i did i just choose not to remember but today oh god, today i remembered and he doesn't even realize how much he hurt my heart today...and he probably never will unless he comes across this...which is unlikely
im doing a rape performance soon...at school
two weeks left until i graduate im scared as hell
so scared
im not going to make it...the world is going to swallow me whole...in highschool or school in general i know what to do, god its one stupid building not 20 buildings on ONE CAMPUS!
and im going to miss lockers, and inbetween classes and scheduled lunches and all the people and gossip and rumors and everything i really well...even the rumors about me or how often i got hurt here...oddly enough im going to miss it
im not ready
please im not ready
take me back
one more year, let me graduate with jesse and james and marie and everyone i love
i have more friends in grade 11 then anywhere, i always seem to belong more to the grade im supposed to be in, why WHY!?
it would have been easier...this transfering thing if i was in the grade i belonged in
mrs. burak today said about valedictorian
i never once questioned how smart you were...you have a brillant mind, your just slack
and its true...35 abscences PER CLASS...one semester
but i still dont have valedictorian...im on my feet now with classes...two weeks to go but im still not valedictorian
i had the best speech ever
it was amazing
im not going to be modest because i know it was stupendous!
just like the rape scene im doing...my monologue is heart wrenching type academy awards...its great
so now i have two weeks left to go:
i dont have valedictorian, im no longer amazing grades, i hate edmonton, i miss NS and i wont be going back this summer, i think im fat, and im tired and scared and just everything
i dont know what to do anymore...
help me.