Then things with craig are getting weird, the fights we have are just getting bad sometimes or maybe its my imagination. Also, i've been getting this distinct feeling he wants out. He wants to move on. He's tired of dating me, he doesn't care about me as much anymore. The thoughts just keep swamping me sometimes that i just want to end it first before he can end it. He tells me he doesn't feel that way and ive never felt so insecure in my life. My looks, my boyfriend, i've been getting jealous for reasons unknown randomly. I'm afraid of losing him, i'm afraid of how i look and fuck i just don't know anymore and i always know
i've always known who i was and now the only way i can be sure is by what other people tell me because i feel ugly, i feel bichy, like im not someone you should be friends with, im just going to run you into the ground.
I haven't felt this dark in a long time...the last time was when Sam saw my wrists, vowed to never do that again, and i won't it won't solve anything but it just makes me want to scream and have all the answers. to just know the TRUTH. how does he really feel about everything, at least the good and the bad, and then i would know, i'd even know the bad and try to fix it.
I keep pushing at him, i'm not sure why i dont know why i keep doing it. Why do i keep getting mad at stupid stuff why do i keep turning away from him when we don't have a lot of time left. My brain is just going crazy, things are acting up, the past is coming up, major panic attack last night. I've lost friends that i didnt know i would. Well i never really lost them they just hate emails and thats the only way i can keep contact.
I feel lost and alone, i hate this damn town theres nothing to do around here. I'm feeling scared of losing things that matter and i dont have a hold of what i normally do. I'm not in control, and im finding that therapist, i think its finally time i sat down and talked it all through. Finally said everything thats in my head about everything. Maybe it won't always feel overwhelming. Maybe i'll finally go back to being who i was.
I used to be great
i was laidback and fun and didnt worry or get mad. Then this year happened and no one really knows whats going on, i barely know but i knows its happening and im not going to let this pull me under. But Craig says he loves me, what happens if i go back to the carefree me, well he still love that girl? If he doesn't, i need to be free again, i can't keep trapping myself with all of these memories.
Let's hope i finally fix somethings.