Lets start with Ross...my big brother, late night drives until 6am, sneaking out and talking, driving to St.A (st.albert) and going to shows to see him drumming in Mary Rose. Then it got complicated...he met Shayla. I didn't like her...she was a bar star bimbo in my mind. Mostly it meant less Ross and Me time...i was loving these late night drives where i could talk about anything. He didnt talk to me for a whole week...i was worried, he was putting me 2nd best and i knew it. Then he surprised me one night and came to visit...the first 10 minutes were silence and i was like "what are you doing here, honestly." He was wondering why i wasn't happy to see him, i still didn't like Shayla at this point and he was considering breaking up with her. Oh well right. So we got over a little tete a tete (sp?) and we were laying there...then the change which resulted in part of my life going down the drain...he kissed me. We sat there and said nothing, i was contemplating asking what the fuck was that...then he kissed me again, and it went pretty far... I told him this couldn't happen again. Not while he was dating Shayla at least, and fuck there was Amanda too...my best friend, they fooled around before , she really liked him. Then he calls to tell me he's breaking up with her but her grandpa died...i nearly died right there, i didnt know what to do i told him to not break up with her, not for something that couldn't happen anyway.
I messaged Shayla to say sorry ,then it turned into a 2 am conversation, where she was so broken. I began to be friends with her you know. Then it happened again..ross and i, this time it went farther. Just Imagine i won't be filling in the blanks BUT i am still a virgin! Then those two had a fight and she called me...3 am, day of Diploma's. She thought they were over and she was crying, i got pissed at Ross. This was the day of her grandpa's funeral too! So i fell asleep during my diploma becuase i was up talking to her most of the night. I don't know how i felt about the situation. Ross and me dating was never an option and i didn't want to ruin the friendship that way. Then they were fine...she asked me to call her Saturday night while i was at Kelli's i was on the phone with her until 5 am. You bond pretty quickly with someone over the phone crying. She became such a good friend to me. It killed me that i couldn't tell her the truth but i couldn't lose her friendship. Ross had also been an ass to me during those days but whatever. Then i was talking to him and he said some pretty mean shit about Shayla...then they were going back out that night. I couldn't tell her the truth, I was sitting on a fence and trying to stay neutral. If they were both happy that's awesome but then Ross wouldn't talk to me anymore. That killed me so much.
Then last night, i got the worst message in my life from him...telling me he hated me and used me and to get over it. I called Shayla to talk to, HE picked up, i got pissed and told him to give her the fucking phone. She was to drunk, so i hung up. So then Kat called me, Rob's girlfriend, to tell me to never call Shayla again etc... If i ever went to another show she'd fuck me up etc... this gave me the impression that Ross told them that him and i had done shit. Im not sure what was said. I really need to know, just to know! I lost two important people...I lost Ross, he was one of my best buds. Amanda/Kalie are pissed they say he doesn't know what he's throwing away and i give and give and don't get anything back. Funny my mom seems to think im the most selfish person there is.
Thats only part of my month...things get worse...
Ive lost contact with most people from NS, how it happened i do not know :(
Angel and i got drunk this past weekend...Kellee got pissed at me so ratted us off, even though she let us drink...whatever.
I have 8 cavities, from not seeing the dentist in months.
A friend of mine died, i miss Kris (RIP KRIS)
Krysta sent me hurtful messages...saying we were never best friends etc. I said fine, then she calls me a hypocrite becuase i wouldnt salvage our friendship...she kind did that herself you know?
Then she messages to ask why we weren't friends... EXCUSE ME?! WTF!
This is my worst year ever for school, i don't have anything left in me to even apply myself...this means Center High next year for upgrading.
I have all my other friends who call me at all hours, message me, etc etc looking for me to talk to. I don't know why me out of all people but of course im there for all my friends.
Then all my school extra's im now michael AND tigerlily in peter pan. Yearbook is a drag, nothing is going on there. Cross Country, bloomsday is out for that. Then my mother...we fight all the time, this drinking incident..well fuck i may not be going to grad now and im grounded for 4 months to boot. Im tired of it all, what's left for me. WHAT'S LEFT FOR ME..ANSWER ME!
Im pretty sure im wearing thin and there's not much left in me. Its like trying to squeeze a rock for more water. That damn fence i was staying neutral on...im pretty sure i fell and it split me in half.